Changes, Changes

Well, my last post talked about holding things loosely...and not becoming too attached to a specific outcome. It's interesting I wrote about that theme on Tuesday, because later that afternoon, I received a letter from Eerdmans Books for Young Readers, the publisher with whom I'd signed a contract last February for a children's picture book--to be printed around 2007. The editor informed me that their board had reviewed book projects, looking for places to cut costs in the future, and had decided not to proceed with my book due to budgetary reasons. Upon reading those stark words, I began my official "Week(or Two or More) of Depression." Sure, I'd just written all about leaving everything in God's hands--but saying that in the abstract is far different from living it firsthand. And it began to feel as if more was being ripped from my grasp than I could handle. Family and friends in Oregon, house in Aloha, cat, and now, my future book.

Today, a few days along, I'm feeling less fragile. I only obsess about "blast, all those people I told!" every once and again. And the questioning and doubting, "am I really supposed to be doing this, when my writing is a load of crap," recurs less often than the evening after I ripped open the envelope. But, though I fully believe and continue to stand by Tuesday's post, my confidence has been shaken--and it will take some time to recover. Fortunately, my husband understood the depth of my disappointment, and took an hour off work Wednesday for lunch and listening to my monologue. Thanks, Jeff. You were more than wonderful to me!